On the occasion of my 50th post I would like to thank you all for reading, and especially those of you who took the time to comment. For the first few months of this operation the only person reading my posts was my mother, which was a little awkward since she does not have a computer. I would have to print the post and mail it to her along with a self-addressed stamped envelope for comments.
Blogging is easier when the only reader is your mother. But it is not nearly as fun. You all have made this worthwhile, and I hope that you’ve found at least one or two things here that did not put you to sleep or make you ill. As long as someone’s still reading, I’ll keep posting.
And on that note…
Remember when you could carry things like lip gloss, hand moisturizer, and water on an airplane without incident?
I do.
When I was a kid and my parents felt like putting me on a plane, the only items I ever carried on were paperback novels, Esquire magazine, and, just once, the Etch-A-Sketch Animator, which interfered with radar and necessitated an emergency landing in a Wal-Mart parking lot. I did not know that lip gloss and hand moisturizer even existed, and I would not have believed that people would one day pay for bottled water.
And then I got married. My wife carries around a CVS in her pocketbook, and engages in what I call “guerilla moisturizing.” Sometimes when I’m not looking she’ll apply some Neutrogena to my hands and say, “Rub it in.”
The other day we were at the airport, flying somewhere. We walk up to the security line and start placing into the gray plastic bins our shoes, belts, wallets, keys, cell phones, iPods, magazines, fuzzy dice, tongue scrapers, Texas Chainsaw Massacre bobble head dolls, Smucker’s jars containing embryonic aliens, and chewing gum.
Three items in my wife’s pocketbook catch my eye: a plastic bottle of lip gloss, a plastic bottle of hand moisturizer, and a plastic bottle of water. I consider telling her that these items might be a problem, but elect to remain silent. You learn certain things when you are married, and I know that it will be better for me if I let someone else tell her she can’t take something on the plane.
I’m directed to stand in this apparatus that looks like an upright magnetic resonance machine. Obviously I’m either going to travel through time, or be subjected to a full body scan. There is a whirring noise and I close my eyes. When I re-open them I am still in my own time, but they catch me trying to smuggle an ATM receipt onto the plane. After a TSA worker pats me down and then buys me drinks, I re-don my shoes, belt, et al.
I’m ready to graduate to the Food Court/Hudson News phase of air travel, but my wife has been detained by a TSA worker who does not look as nice as the one who patted me down. “Do you have a re-sealable plastic bag?” my wife asks me, as if I was supposed to have packed one. I reply that, alas, I do not.
Spread out before her are the lip gloss, hand moisturizer, and bottled water. “They’re saying I have to put these things in a re-sealable plastic bag. I have to go through security again.” I ask my wife why she doesn’t just throw out the water. “Are you kidding? I paid three dollars for this!” The humorless TSA worker starts leading my wife back into the pre-security area. The chivalric thing to do would be to follow her, but chivalry is no match for Cinnabon.
A few minutes later I’m stuffing my face and wondering where my wife has gone. I see her standing just before the conveyor belt, chugging her water. I wonder if she’s going to start applying all her hand moisturizer, perhaps offering it to the passengers around her. “Excuse me,” she would say, “but I can’t take this on the plane, and your hands look dry.” Then she goes through the time warp again, and I’m about to breathe a sigh of relief, but she is detained again, this time by a different TSA worker.
I’m halfway through Steig Larsson’s “The Girl Who Tried To Bring Moisturizer On A Plane” when my wife gets through security. She tells me that she had to take a taxi to a local convenience store to buy Ziploc bags. I tell her how unfair it all is, how making her go through security three times is a waste of valuable resources, and inconveniences people for no gain. I put my arm around her and she smiles a little.
But let’s see her try to moisturize me now without my hearing the plastic bag.
Hahahaha. This post was the best.
Thank you. I’m glad you liked it.
Awesome entry, Mark. I hate airline security. I get extremely overwhelmed and anxious putting all my crap into those bins, making sure I don’t have anything airplane illegal, going through the metal decector, putting my shoes back on and racing to get all my crap back into my pockets and carry on bag.
It is a humbling experience in a mode of travel that is supposed to be empowering.
Thank goodness Asian and European airport security is not half as bad as in the US. In the UK, they actually give out those transparent bags before you pass security. That your wife had to take a cab to buy some is appalling. For sure she’ll have some handy in her handbag from now on. And she’ll never buy $3 water before the security checkpoint.
Unless you fly from Manchester where they screw you out of £1 right at the last minute.
You can bet that I’ll have some handy the next time!
They’re available, for free, in Canadian airports as well! Always a huge pile of them just before you enter the security area. Sometimes there is even someone attending them and asking every passenger going by if they are in need of a ziplock bag for their things.
Enjoyed the post.
Thank you, Jan.
Some of the items you can’t take on an airplane now-a-days are odd, to say the least. But if I land safely at my destination, who am i to complain?
Hilarious! Well written with a true comedic timing and spin to your words. Thanks for giving me a hearty laugh first thing this morning!
You’re quite welcome! I’m glad you enjoyed the post. Thank you for the comment.
i travel a lot, and NEVER check bags because i have bad luck with the airlines losing them. thus i have to carry on all my toiletries. i’ve never run into a problem , even while toting around at least a dozen small bottles of goop and gloss and god knows what else. it’s publicized very well that products must be in a plastic baggy. unfortunately this high security world is the world we live in, and must get over it if we want to fly.
It definitely requires diligence to navigate modern airport security. I’ll be sure to read up on the guidelines next time.
Hahahaa.. I like your post. Those security people once took my body butter at changi airport. Then i have 7 hours flight to narita with dry hands.
Thanks. So I guess it was a pretty rough flight 🙂
lol – your wife’s persseverance is admirable and you tell her I said that! Remeber, only the TSA requires her to keep her lotion in a baggie so unless you’re in an airport you’re not safe from lotion warfare!
This was hilarious. It’s sad that we have to worry about these things now.
Thank you!
First off, I burst out laughing when I read the first couple of paragraphs 🙂 Your mother didn’t have a computer but still read your posts–now that’s dedication 🙂 . Also, I completely remember when you were able to take your lotion aboard. Those were the good ol days 😉
She’s my biggest fan, for sure. Thank you.
Great stuff…even though I haven’t flown in a long while, I don’t plan do based on these tales of woe. I don’t even want to think what they’d do to my beloved green hand sanitizer…
Thanks – and if and when you do decide to fly the friendly skies, I’m sure you’ll be able to buy all the hand sanitizer you want from the airport store.
Hahaha. Brilliant post. COngrats on FP.
Thank you!!
So funny and true. I can only say I remember when you didn’t have to pay extra for checked bagage, way back about four years ago. I don’t fly much.
When I was a Flight attendant we served up roasts to First class passengers, using carving knives & forks…..
we’ve come a long way baby…
spread the humor: charlywalker.wordpress.com
So great! I am getting on a plane tomorrow morning, and I am so worried about all the rules…..I hope I get everything right. 🙂
Thanks. Don’t worry…I’m sure you’ll be fine…just remember to carry re-sealable plastic bags!
that was just great, so funny and true. And it’s the first time that I’v heard about not allowing lip gloss.. I mean what’s the hazards!!!
anyway,, i enjoyed it, and can’t wait to read the rest of your articles.
Thank you very much. I hope you enjoy the other posts, too.
Very funny. I like that your wife took the taxi to get the baggies she needed for her lotion and lip gloss. And you were smart to not try and tell her what she could and could not do, as far as carrying on those items. In the end, it all worked out anyway!
Nice story.
Thanks!! Yes, all’s well that ends well.
I secretly get a little prideful when I fly. I like to believe that the T.S.A workers are thinking “wow…she must work out” when they are patting me down or looking at x-rayed body through the “time machine”.
When they pat me down, I believe what they’re thinking is “Wow…he should work out.”
Congrats on #50…which turned out to be your lucky number (Freshly Pressed…yay!).
I’m a guerrilla moisturizer too. And hand sanitizer…
Great post! 🙂
Thank you. Yes, I guess it was a lucky number.
funny post…. im glad my mother doesnt read my blog. it would just be awkward at dinner!
Thank you. I agree that the virtual presence of parents can have an influence on content.
Fantastic. Thanks for the laugh. I was initially drawn to the post because of your mention of lip gloss, as I am a lip balm addict and can’t leave the house without it, and once at the airport, when I didn’t have a plastic bag (and wouldn’t have taken a taxi to get one!), I squeezed the contents out into a crumbled piece of paper and shoved it in my pocket before I went through security. Yeah, obsessive.
Lively writing. Blog is noted!
Cheers,
Cheri
Thank you, Cheri. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Loved the comic twist on a serious topic…and kudos on being Freshly Pressed!!
Thank you so much!
I remember back in early 2000 getting off my plane and realizing I was going to not make my connection . . . then I asked the service person to call the departure gate and ask them to hold the plane until I got to the gate to board the plane.
After about a 10 minute full out sprint through the terminal they waved me through and the plane was in fact waiting for me.
The good old days.
I had a similar experience sprinting through Chicago’s Midway Airport and in London’s Heathrow. I felt honored by their holding the connection but out of breath as well.
Funny, and so true! Glad you’re so supportive of what you’re wife has to go through these day 😀
Great post, and I’m glad I had a good laugh first thing in the morning. Congrats on being freshly pressed!
So happy I live in Canada. On our upcoming trip to Europe we’ve opted for a layover in Amsterdam over American airports for just this reason. Take a cab for a zip-lock bag? I’m sure that cost more than the hand cream.
What you say makes sense. Perhaps it was the principle of the thing.
This is stunningly hysterical! Glad you wife made it and you remain well-moisturized.
I would have to disagree with the comment above that Asian security is easier. I have some pretty serious checks at Narita (Tokyo) and some issues in Bangkok, as well. However, Haiti, where I now live, is the worse! The pat-downs are insane and they’ve questioned me about a bottle of aspirin.
Congrats on being Freshly Pressed. As someone who travels a lot, I can’t tell you how hysterical I find this!
Blogging from Haiti,
Kathy
Bottle of aspirin suspect? Surely they’ve been on those flights with loud babies, which is like all of them 🙂 Thank you…I’m glad you enjoyed the post.
This is awesome, but BTW, does your wife read your blog too, or is it still just your mother who knows about it?
http://www.regularteenageworld.wordpress.com
I thought they were supposed to buy you drinks and *then* pat you down!
lol
This is great. Lip gloss really does seem to be one of those things that I always forget about when I’m traveling. Shampoos and soaps are liquidy enough that I remember the rule. Lip gloss though…Many a tube I have lost 🙂
Ha! Well, you know, I wasn’t really in a position to be demure…
Glad you liked the post. Sorry your gloss was lost. Please stop by again!
well done, very well written. I know how you felt when no one read your blog but your mother. 🙂 how did people find out about you???
Well Done Again 🙂
Thank you. After a while I worked up enough courage to tell a friend or two about it, and then a few fellow bloggers left encouraging comments, and then I was fortunate enough to make Freshly Pressed in January, and…well I am still trying to learn about blog promotion. Thanks for reading.
I love how you twist the Stieg Larsson-title! Maybe that’s because I am purely swedish. But then again, I also love the finishing line. So it might just be that you are, in fact, funny!
Keep writing 😀 I treasure you already!
Lip gloss?
I remember when you could bring reefer and get high in the bathroom.
Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness…
That’s why I dressed like a shrub and put my ass in the grass,
not the tune folks stand for at ball games,
not the colored cloth that will drape my casket.
I fought for my right to party,
among other things.
Congrats, this is the second time I see you on here 🙂 My husband bought a Kindle the other day and I remembered you. What happened to reading books? hehe anyways congrats again.
Hiba
Thank you for stopping by again. It is much appreciated. Your husband was smart to wait until now to buy a Kindle. I bought one when they first came and paid more than I’m willing to disclose 🙂 And yes, what did happen to reading books…
Hilarious. My Grandmother once tried to bring 50 scented candles through airport security. It was a bloodbath. Great post and great writing!!! Methinks your Mom will no longer be the only one reading this blog.
LOVE this! I, too, regularly engage in “guerilla moisturizing” of myself and everyone around me! Maybe she’ll lighten up when it gets warmer and the weather isn’t so cold and dry. At least that’s what I’m hoping for myself… 😉
these posts are awesome. subscribed!
LMAO!!! My memory goes even further when we were all sat in a cigarrette smoke filled tube up in the sky. Of course you could request to sit in the non-smoking section, but let’s be honest, if you are sitting in row 17 in the non-smoking section and the smokers sit in row 19… well, it’s all the same nicorette to everyone…lol. loved your description of security as a time machine… if only!!
I wrote a similar post back in 2006: Do Terrorists Wear Lip Gloss?. Nice to have found you (thanks to WordPress!).
I enjoyed your treatment of the subject, Kelly. I think the greatest loss was not the lip gloss but the wine 🙂 I did read somewhere an explanation for the plastic bag: to make easier to handle on inspection. Umm…okay. Thanks for reading!
After a TSA worker pats me down and then buys me drinks, I re-don my shoes, belt, et al.
Ahahaha. Congratulations on being FP!
Yes I do remember when I could take all my toiletries on board so I could have something to freshen up with. You know, just in case my luggage ended up in Hong Kong instead of Singapore.
Good times. 🙂
Ha ha, lol. This post kept me laughing.
A similar situation happened to me and my boyfriend traveling once. I was told I couldn’t take my Tropicana orange juice through the check point. He said just throw it away. I said the same thing! “I paid $3 for this!” I also elected to chug.
It’s funny that your wife lotions you when you’re not looking. And if she would have offered lotion to other passengers waiting, she probably would’ve been detained and you would have missed your flight!
If missing our flight was what it took to protect our fellow passengers from dry hands, so be it! Thanks for reading. I’m glad you found it humorous.
I think it’s funny how you didn’t mention anything to her beforehand, and then after you ran off to get a Cinnabon. Haha.
Great post!
this gave me a good laugh on a Monday morning. great writing 🙂
~Kristen
Great post!
Haha, that was funny. Silly security. Is there actually a valid reason why people can’t take bottled water on a plane?
My wife’s theory is so that you have to buy the bottled water at the post-security airport store. I guess that water has been investigated and deemed safe for sale at top dollar to a captive market.
I came up with the same theory. Now I carry an empty water can and feel pleasantly subversive every time I run it through the x-ray.
I like to travel light and avoid leaks, so I am naturally inclined to have tiny containers in a sealed bag.
I enjoyed this post very much, especially the Steig Larsson reference.
I loooooooove this! Ah!
Remember when you could sneak on the little “airplane bottles” of alcohol? Terrorists! They ruined everything!
Saw your blog featured on the freshly pressed page-the witty title caught my eye. Thought this was brilliant. Laughed outloud several times reading this, will be sure to keep reading!
NO WAY would I leave an airport in a taxi prior to taking a flight – I’d never survive the anxiety of making it back in time. Did your wife really do that, or was it hyperbole?
-Jen
P.S. The nice thing about having the rules down pat is that in some places (like John Wayne airport) you can sail through the “Expert Traveler” line while all the other shlubs are stuck in the mile-and-a-half “We Don’t Know What The Crap We’re Doing” line. Something for you to look forward to. 😉
ohh my god thats so funny i treasure you and i’ve only read that one blog but then again that might be because i only just signed up to word press 10 minutes ago ! i cant wait for your next post 🙂
Lot’s of fun… thank you. I believe I am going to engage in guerilla moisturizing. I like the idea. I have already begun guerilla chap-sticking.
So funny! I travel a lot as well, and I remember when my dad was the ‘random person’ check, and they had to open up my brother’s stuffed animal, and we had to make my brother close his eyes so he wouldn’t throw a fit at his suffed animal being touched. Memories.
I read a book where that happened once, a stuffed animal being checked.
What on earth?? They can’t do that can they? I’m never bringing my cabbage patch doll anywhere ever again.
The limit on liquid (or creamy, or jelly) items from airplanes is perhaps the most ridiculous rule in a line of already ridiculous traveling rules.
I remember traveling as a kid carrying sharp scissors in my backpack, so I could cut out paper cutouts which used to entertain me on my flight from Mexico City to Vancouver. This was at the time when airlines still gave you meals on all flights, served with a steak knife that actually allowed you to cut into your entree. Surprisingly, this was only 20 years ago, and it surprises me to see how much the aviation laws have changed.
Last September on my way back from a conference in Jamaica (with only carry on, as I went for only 4 days), my toothpaste was confiscated at the Toronto airport, because the tube said it was 125ml (25ml over the 100ml limit), even though the tube was about 3/4 empty!
From in-flight steak knives to confiscated 1/4 tubes of toothpaste. We have come a long way in 20 years. I wonder what the next 20 years will bring…
Hilarious! “guerilla moisturizing” reminds me of my mother. When I was little, with only occasionally slightly dry hands, I would ask for a bit of the lotion she was slathering on her cracked nurse hands. “Just a little” cuz I Know her. Inevitably, she’d pour half the bottle on my hands. Every time. “…halfway through Steig Larsson’s “The Girl Who Tried To Bring Moisturizer On A Plane”…” loved this! Hate, hate, HATE going to the airport, now.
I have yet to travel since they added the full body scan, I’m sure that it will not be fun. Luckily I knew about the liquid limit that last time I flew, which was good, because a couple of the people with me, were not that lucky.
I have only flown once as a child..if i was to get onto a airplane for a 2 hour flight or so..i see no need to take anything at all with me. especially if everyone else didn’t bring anything..I will say that if someone wanted to take over the plane they could use their bare hands. so why the fuss about lip gloss and stuff? I think too many people think like “Gilligans Island” and pack too much for short trips.
I was LOL about the ”guerilla moisturizing.”
Awesome!!
This sounds familiar, though I’ve not been much of a traveller to experience how it was and how it is now. I was on a school trip and as we were passing through passport control, our teacher reminded us all that we had to empty our pockets and take off any belts with large buckles. He then reminded us that if we were stopped for the random search, we had to be polite and do as they asked. Except he forgot to take his belt off and had to go back and forth through the metal detector before he was searched, much to the amusement of the other members of staff and their students. After that he seemed to lighten up from the grumpy so and so he was and the trip continued without much ado.
Another similar thing happened on another trip the same year, though this was made worse with a staff member joking that one of the students should be checked because he was likely to be carrying a bomb. This was post 9/11 and the airport security freaked. We almost had to leave him behind with another member of staff because we were about to miss our flight. They let him go on his way with a severe warning.
But it wasn’t until I had to travel by myself that I had the full of experience of being the random search. It was an internal flight, I only had rucksack and a small carryall which I’d passed in to go in the cargo hold. Everything was fine until I got through to security and this beefy guy took me by the shoulder and walked me aside from the other passengers. “Excuse me miss” he said. “We would like for you to empty your bag and stand for a pat down search”.
I agreed. I was a bit startled since I hadn’t set anything off and I had carefully emptied everything that was required out of my pockets into the small box, taken off my watch (it has a large metal strap) and put my shoes for inspection (they were heavy walking boot style shoes with capped toes because I had nothing else by my work boots). So here I was, standing in my socks with this huge guy asking if I minded being patted down. Could I say no? I was already nervous enough about travelling across country by myself. Luckily a smiling woman sidled up and did the deed, talking as she did so. She tried (I think) to reassure me, but all she did was make me more anxious about what they were going to do to my bag.
The backpack was emptied out and things were piled on the desk – books, sketchpad, crayons and watercolour pencils, notebook (flicked through) and my poor stuffed dragon who was dumped to one side, looking quite forlorn. Then the guy asked: “Where’s your tolietries?”
“My what?”
He proceeded to ask me where my hand cream and makeup and lipbalm were.
“I don’t have any”
“Stop joking around. Where are they?”
It was the threat of him searching for hidded pockets that set me off and I ended up getting quite cross with him for suggesting I was lying. I had emptied the entire bag and handed him the light fabric pack (a simple army style duffle) and demanded that he x-ray that for anything else. He did. I stood there, in socks, with all my personal stuff scattered for people to admire, with my stuffed dragon being eyed by an inquisitive toddler on a parent leash.
The end of it was an apology from the security personnel, the offer of help in packing my bags, and a free cup of coffee for my troubles. The man had assumed that I, being female, would have taken some personal things for the flight to freshen up. And as I walked off in the company of the female security officer, the lad at the desk called out “Nice dragon”.
I vowed never to snap at security personnel again and to put my dragon in my luggage from that day forth.
Great story! I can’t believe they just assumed you had lip balm, etc. After the security debacle I was going to suggest to my wife that she leave the toiletries at home. But it sounds like she might not be believed anyway.
That’s too bad your dragon can’t ride in the seat like a normal stuffed animal, and must ride in steerage with the shirts and pants. Still, though, getting an apology and a cup of coffee from airport security. That must not happen everyday.
That joking staff member got off lucky. I’ve heard of other such jokes that got more than just a warning.
“I consider telling her that these items might be a problem, but elect to remain silent. You learn certain things when you are married, and I know that it will be better for me if I let someone else tell her she can’t take something on the plane.”
Wise man. YOU are funny.
Loved this post! You write very, very well and the story itself demanded sharing. She actually took a taxi, to a convenience store, to BUY a plastic ziploc baggy.. Fascinating.
Keep writing!
Aun Aqui
I loved this! I travel a ridiculous amount and I’m always amazed at the danger involved in attempting to bring my lip gloss with me. Thanks for reminding me that humor will help decrease my frustration in line!
An excellent post and so painfully accurate – congrats on FP 😉
Great post! Airport security can be so frustrating
http://penshawgrump.wordpress.com/2011/01/28/stansted-security/
ROFLMAO!!
I want you to come with me for my first flight to England!
Better yet, come with me to the airport, then blog about it. I’m tellin’ ya, you wanna see some crazy antics…….a virgin airport passenger!
You’re wife and I would get along great. I’m ALWAYS putting the Neutrogena on my husband’s hands. A big dollop and I say “Here, rub that in, your hands are starting to flake away.”
You do thank her, don’t you?
Every time. I thank my wife every single time.
Glad you enjoyed the post. Please stop by again.
I feel for your wife, these container rules seem extreme. What difference does the plastic bag make? Why is it that you may not pass the checkpoint without a plastic bag? Does the plastic bag ensure the other passenger’s safety? Grr to the airport people. GRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!
hahahaha FANTASTIC 🙂
reminds me of the time when a friend and I were standing in an hour long security line at JFK, and midway, realized we were both carrying forty dollar hand washes. i laughed super hard when they let me go through with mine, but sent her all the way to the back to throw out hers. then i had to sit and wait for her for another two hours.
Luckily you were able to keep your hands washed the whole time you waiting. That’s rough about waiting another two hours. I’d think it would be like the bank or the post office: if they send you away to get something, you go back to the front.
Half the security measures in modern airports seem to be about the appearance of safety, rather than safety itself. Time for a serious review/streamlining of which regulations actually contribute to a significant reduction in risk, and to begin to re-accept that a certain degree of risk from terrorism cannot be eroded completely and that some of the measures being implemented to try to stop it are not cost-effective.
I haven’t flown for a while and after reading your blog those are good reasons not to. I dread going through all that. Very funny post.
Love love love the impenetrable plastic ziplock bag of international security. I like to carry one even when I’m not on a plane, just to make myself feel more secure.
Dude! Way to go on the FP tip my friend. I was cracking up the whole way through this and then got to the end to discover you done been pressed. Great job!
Thanks Clay! I appreciate your coming over and checking it out.
Working behind the makeup counter I can’t tell you how many people told me they had just bought a new lip gloss and it got taken at the airport. Dang, you need your lip gloss on the airplane. And I wonder how many TSA agents want to keep that new lip gloss. Or try it on before they have to discard it haha. Very funny post.
I’m not looking forward to a full body scan either. My body is full of pins and plates from a car accident when I was younger. I practically have to strip naked before they’ll accept that I’m not tooled up.
The full body scanner should be able to “see” through the clothes and tell what is what. I mean, the thing picked out a receipt in my pocket. It may actually make things easier than the ol’ fashioned metal detector. Not that I’m an expert on airport security.
>=O What?!?!? no lip gloss???! Really? I mean do they think you can like kill someone with it or something???? Is it in certain places?
You are clever. I smiled. I will now await a post that makes me laugh out loud. I hope you accept the challenge.
p.s. dry hands are NOTHING to joke about
I gladly pick up the thrown gauntlet. Consider your challenge accepted. Maybe I can meet it with a post titled “Remember When My Hands Were Dry” 🙂
I remember toting all my full-sized shampoos, conditioners, mousse and hairspray on the plane too. I miss those days!
haha – regarding “the machine” – i am tempted to purchase that new body scanner blocking undergarmet *hahah*
I also remember the days of filling the trunk with as many friends possible so we only had to pay for one car at the drive-in. Really, they have stolen all our joy.
Great post . . . you are good man . . . minus the cinnabon.
it is ironic the fact that every year they make you do even more useless things for a simple hour long flight…
Loved the post, made me laugh a lot…
Brilliant, brilliant wit! Consider me subscribed. I look forward to coming back for more smiles!
Thank you – more posts on the way!
Well done–thanks for the chuckle. I wondered if you would be wise enough to let the TSA people be the bad guys, and you didn’t let me down! Yup, I’m subscribing.
hahahaha!!! i remeber. it wasnt that long ago…. congrats on FP!!
I just discovered your blog and I am so very glad I did.:) This was so funny, sad and true. lol..Flying has become a pain, but at least you have a great sense of humor about it. I hope to see more posts in the future. Keep blogging and keep laughing:)
Don’t they say that humor is the best medicine? Thank you and I will keep the posts coming.
Oh my gosh that was so priceless.. you brought me to tears!
Your writing is fantastic, could actually see your wife trying to get her money’s worth out of her moisturizer & water.. priceless!! Absolutely priceless! Thank you thank you thank you!
You are welcome. I’m glad you enjoyed the post. And thank you for the shout-out and nice comment. Please stop by again!
What? Are you trying to figure out how old we are?
I’ve only been on a place twice – on the way to Queensland and back.
That was in maybe 2003?
I don’t remember any fusses going through security.
The only thing I really remember is that when we took off and landed my sinuses hurt so much I cried! And I got a headache, and I couldn’t use my Nanny’s tiger balm because I was under 12. Curses.
It’s a sad reality. I don’t like to travel anymore.
great post!!!! i really enjoyed it
I always get a chuckle out of the TSA agents who ask you to remove all the contents from your pockets, “All coins, your wallet, finger nail clippers, knives, guns and any other metallic objects you might have in your pockets, including lotion, lip stick, lip balm, chapstick, chewing gum, lint, and the detritus from your skin.
great entry!
i admire ur patience..
😀
Love the phrase “guerilla moisturizing.” It’s ridiculous the hoops you have to jump through to carry stuff through security. Shouldn’t they have government issue zip-lock bags, or are the store-bought ones really secure enough?
This was such a joy to read. You are so funny! Tell your mom she should be proud. After all, it’s not every day a son gets freshly pressed. Congratulations!
too funny – but loved the comment from the woman who said she carries a plastic zip lock around just to feel secure – I knew those keep ending up in my coat pockets for a reason.
Bahahaha!!! I guerilla moisturise my husband all the time! Didn’t realise it would be noticed…
I’m married myself, so I know your PAIN…^_^
This is the 1st time Im reading your blog & I must say, it’s quite amusing! I liked the guerrilla moisturizing idea… I think i might use that one for my boyfriend! 😛
That was insightful;-) I’ll remember to pack a ziplock for the airport next time. TSA won’t last another 2 years if this economy loses anymore steam.
Wonderful!
Nice post. I laughed.
so sweet………..
interesting post , funny
Those were the “Good Old Days” ! Great post, very funny!
keep up the good work 😉
Excellent! Last time I flew I had to chug my$3 water, too. Then an hour later, when on the airplane and flying over LaGrange,Ga, I had to pee. Those teeny bathrooms….tsk. I’m flying again this weekend, thank you for the plastic bag reminder. I would have forgotten.
You’re welcome. Clear plastic bags: the last line in defense.
Solution: bring a reusable water bottle and fill it at a water fountain after security.
Haha!! 🙂 this made me chuckle x
Great post! I laughed so hard I forgot pay my property taxes
Thank you – that is very gratifying to hear. Mission accomplished!
i randomly googled myself and got to this page. I read my comment and was confused why I was talking about property taxes, especially since I have never owned any property. in any case, I read the post again and laughed quite hard. good post!
Mission accomplished!
You’re wife went through a lot to keep her items. Can’t say I’d do the same.
I really Like it,
Thank you for sharing~
hilarious 🙂
“Smucker’s jars containing embryonic aliens”…. lol. 🙂
Love your writing, keep it up!
Clever! Funny one liners, too. You could be a stand-up comedian. Congrats on being FP’d and I have to say, somehow I found your blog a while ago, probably around the time you were mailing your mom the posts.
Yeah, I remember.
I was, funnily enough, just telling this story to a friend a couple nights ago. While I was visiting my family one year soon after the shoe-bomber incident and silly liquid/gel/plastic baggie rules went into effect, my mother gave me a small jar of body scrub made from sugar and sand. Weird stuff, but it was from Bath & Body Works, in the original container, brand new, sealed. I did not even think twice about having this in my carry-on luggage (indeed, I had only a carry-on).
When it was seen on the x-ray into the gate area, three TSA agents descended to quiz me about what it was and try to determine if it was a liquid or a gel.
Good story. If the body scrub was in a clear plastic re-sealable bag perhaps they would have had an easier time. Although I’m still not sure science has answered the question of whether body scrub is liquid or gel.
Ha, Ha, absolutely hilarious!
And to think – we’ve only ourselves to blame for all this hassle at airports just because we all gullibly believed (figuratively) that an Orange is really an Apple LOL!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zv7BImVvEyk
Still, at least no one died, not like poor old Bob who lost his son LOL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHIj9wzbYGQ
Sorry, I’m still laughing about the lipgloss episode. Whatever crazy security ideas will they come up with next?! LOL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNoduSUwN8Y
Is this all a dream? I mean all this hilarious banter, we’re all asleep right? We’re going to wake up and be grown ups again soon, right?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLSzIehst6Y
LOL! etc
This is amazing. hahaha I enjoyed reading this very much. =) Go husband, what a supportive man you are.
awwwww, heheheh…poor you {and your beloved}, i almost feel for you save for the fact that i got given a half bottle of Chanel Gardenia at the airport as a farewell sentimental gift and had to waste an entire 30 mins looking for the damned plastic bags seeing as no way i was going to don all of that good scent on my slept-in-plane after plane creased gear! they definitely should look at selling the squishy things at airport check points like they do in SA, heck, they give them out for free…makes life easier for everyone, and gives jobs to recycling plants!
That would have been one aromatic plane ride. And I’ve heard that they usually give them out for free, but even selling them might be quick way to make a buck. Selling the bags could offset the cost of checking them!
I totally relate to you leaving it up to the TSA guy to tell your wife what she can/can’t take on the plane. My husband never believes me either. I’ve learned to bite my tongue too. Good for you : )
I think it’s hilarious that your wife actually left the airport without your knowledge and you were just eating. That’s what’s up.
You mentioned that you have to print your post for yur mother so she could read it.
I had a biss like that. Besides of her being horrible – I had to print every email we got and to file it – you can imagine how old she was…
Years ago before we all had to remove shoes, I was pulled twice out of line and asked to take off my shoes for inspection. My husband had been making fun of my pointy toed boots for hours and joked that they looked like weapons. I think his laughing at my shoes is what really caused the suspicion.
I reblogged this on my travel site. Thanks for the fun story!
check it out here traveltheworldwithme.wordpress.com
There’s a special kind of loss felt in losing personal items to airport personnel. I’m still smarting from tweezers I surrendered years ago. 🙁 And it’s not much fun guzzling a bottle of water as personnel looks on, wondering if it will all fit. 🙂
Very funny post, liked the Aliens in Smuckers jars. Going on a trip to San Francisco next month with two kids, not looking forward to the TSA. Congrats on Freshly Pressed!
A lovely but funny post that put a smile on my face and make my day. “The Girl Who Tried To Bring Moisturizer On A Plane” is a good one 🙂
Mark, this is your father Jor-el. When are you coming out of the basement? You’ve been down there since October.
When it stops snowing.
Nice post!
One time, I drink a whole bottle of water within a minute before I get into the security. The reason is the same, “I paid $3 for it”
Here by way of EduClaytion. Such a funny post! I’m reminded of an experience several years ago, trying to leave Vegas (my first and last visit). As passengers were allowed to board the plane, my husband went merrily along ahead of me. When I presented my boarding pass, the gate attendant looked at it, looked at me, looked at it, looked at me (bad sign) … and then sternly said, “You are not permitted to board this plane.” Say what?!
My little sandwich bag with lip gloss and lotion had made it through without any problem. There is no short version to this story, but I’ll try. Some bumbling TSA person had not marked my pass to indicate that I’d gone through the screening successfully. My husband, thankfully, came back … to find me having a meltdown. True love: when your husband sees you having a meltdown and does run back on the plane, leaving you stranded in another state. We missed our flight trying to get the red tape straightened out, had to stay an extra night, and had to catch a plane the following morning. For the love of God! And lip gloss and lotion!
Hehe))) I loved the post! You have another subscriber in Ukraine now 🙂
Awesome. I love the international reach of Schlabadoo.
LOL. the things we go through for that tiny tube of lotion…. this was hilarious.
I’d probably choose the cinnabon too… 🙂
No one can resist the power of Cinnabon.
Solution: bring a reusable water bottle and fill it at a water fountain after security.
I’m still reading old posts of yours–this one was particularly humorous to me as I just took a trip to CA last week. I unload my purse onto the conveyor belt and within one-tenth of one second I hear a menacing growl emanating from the man watching the x-ray screen followed by a barked “LIQUIDS IN THE PURSE!!” After pawing through the purse himself (I thought this was taboo?) he handed it back to me and ordered me to locate the offensive liquid myself. Tucked in an inside pocket was a 0.5 oz bottle of hand sanitizer. He plucked it from my palm as if it actually contained Agent Orange laced with SARS and deposited it into a clear plastic bag while frowning disapprovingly. I held up the line for at least 5 minutes. On the plus side, I got a free clear plastic bag. Oh, airport security. Glad I subscribed to your blog! This is good stuff!
Thank you so much. Your comment here would be a pretty good post itself. Glad to have a new subscriber. Please come back anytime.
I absolutely love your writing style! It’s just so quirky and humorous. They say that comedy is all about timing and I’d say the same applies to your writing. You deliver the punch line just as you have built up enough anticipation as you relay your story.
I have only recently started to blog and it is quite uplifting that you had started out with a limited audience yourself, thanks for sharing that 🙂
Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m glad you like the posts. It took me a while to get into a blogging groove so definitely stick with it. I’ll have to check out your blog. Best of luck and please stop by anytime.
I rarely comment, however I browsed a lot of comments on
Remember When You Could Bring Lip Gloss On An Airplane?
| Mark Kaplowitz’s Blog. I do have a couple of questions for you if you tend not to mind. Is it simply me or do some of these remarks look like they are left by brain dead visitors? 😛 And, if you are writing at other social sites, I’d like to keep up with
you. Could you post a list of all of your social community pages like your Facebook page, twitter feed, or linkedin
profile?
Howdy fantastic website! Does running a blog similar to this take a great deal of work?
I’ve no understanding of coding but I had been hoping to start my own blog soon. Anyways, if you have any suggestions or techniques for new blog owners please share. I know this is off topic but I simply wanted to ask. Thanks!